DAY 9 - Hello Sunshine

Thanks for the encouraging comments! :)
Dawne, I will definetley have to read up on that, crazy!
So last night I decided to wait to eat until I truly felt hunger, and I was able!
I didn't feel my stomach rumbling until just about 12:00 noon. For lunch I had a little tomato soup and a granola bar. Snack was a pear. I found that I wasn't hungry until I arrived home from work, so when I got home I had a bagel with light cream cheese and a yogurt... Soooo maybe I'm not making the healthiest choices but that should improve. I ate much less today and just the amount my body needed to get through the day, so I felt much better about myself! I'm hoping because I haven't eaten and will not eat late tonight that I can wake up hungry and start the day off with a balanced breakfast.

This morning I got up earlier than usual; I always feel better about my day when I don't sleep in! I decided that I would do my run/walk intervals right when I woke up, so I took the dog out with me. I went for about 45 minutes. It felt great to get out earlier than usual, I just love this time of year! I had planned to go for another walk when I got home from work, but by the time I had eaten dinner and sat down on the couch I didn't get up again. Tomorrow I am planning to get out even earlier than this morning for a walk with the dog. I am hoping to do my run/walk intervals later in the evening with the dog because it feels so much better to do it with a crisp evening breeze.

Thank you God for a clear head, and a day where I actually was able to feel your signals! You can truly guide me on this journey!


Anything is possible with GOD!
-Beth

DAY 8 - Need To Learn To Feel The Signs!

Even though I had realized that I needed to listen more to God's signal that my body is truly hungry... I can't seem to realize in the moment that I am not hungry! I find that I have been eating my meals before feeling any sign of hunger, and I haven't felt my stomach rumble in a few days. This is a sign to me that I must be eating too much. I was listening to some weigh-down tapes last night. This is a form of loosing weight just by listening to your signals of hunger and eating out of stomach hunger not head or heart hunger. The tapes also help you to become closer to God and trust him throughout your journey. The tape I listened to last night mentioned starting off with a fast. A fast from food until you truly feel hungry. I think God has showed me that I need to do this to realize how much I have been eating when I am not really hungry.

Even though I lost 2 pounds last week, I could probably be loosing more if I only ate when I was TRULY hungry. So my fast starts right now @11:00 pm. And I will record tomorrow when I first felt hunger. It will be difficult but I will try and eat very slowly and stop as soon as I feel that I am no longer hungry. That has always been a problem for me. I eat way too fast, and by the time I feel full I have already eaten twice what I should've!

Exercise was pretty good today, my mom and I took the dog for about a 45 minute walk - it was hot! Later in the evening my friend Kristin and I went for our walk/run intervals. This week we have moved up to running 1 minute then walking 4.5 minutes and repeating this 9 times! It gets harder later on in the workout, but I can feel that running for the whole minute is starting to feel easier than just running the 30 seconds did in the beginning! This is pretty exciting. I know running for one minute doesn't sound like much but repeating it 9 times is quite tiring! In these next 12 weeks I hope to be running for much longer at a time and a much longer distance with ease. Working my way up slowly!

For breakfast today I had a low-fat bagel with light cream cheese and low-cal, low-sugar jam. Snack was a yogurt and a granola bar. Lunch was 2 diet bread with becel, fat free turkey slices, fat free cheese and pickle. Snack was a pear. Dinner with the family was Chicken Cordon Bleu with rice and carrots. Later in the evening I mistook head/heart hunger for real hunger and I ate another bagel. I realized instantly afterward that I hadn't been truly hungry and I felt very guilty. I need to pray everyday for God to give me strength to resist these temptations. I am starting out rough and making a lot of mistakes, but I hope things will get easier as I go. I want God to release me from this urge to eat! Release me from food! I want so badly to not care or think about food unless I am truly hungry and am only using it to fuel my body and keep me alive. This is my dream.

So for now I will be fasting until I feel true hunger, and I will hold myself to that. It has been a frustrating day as I usually drink lots of water and am a naturally thirsty person, and we are out of water! I have had to last on 2 bottles today and diet pop! I usually don't drink pop but I was desperate! This should be fixed by tomorrow.

I will pray for God to give me the strength to face the day, and to ignore any urges I have to eat outside of physical hunger.


I am hoping this fast will open my eyes to how little food I actually need!


Anything is possible WITH GOD,
-Beth

DAY 7 - A Small Start, But A Start

I'm pretty disappointed with myself that I missed two days of blogging when I told myself I would write every night. Never again! Saturday night I crashed on the couch after my workout and fell asleep- then Sunday night I was feeling quite sick all evening. But no more excuses! So I decided I will save my free exchange for the weekend and for one meal only, I will allow myself to eat something I wouldn't usually eat when on a "diet" as long as it is only enough to fill me up. On Sunday I guess I used that up when I had pizza for dinner. I wish I hadn't because I think that is why I felt so sick. My body hadn't had to deal with the greasy mess since last September, and it did NOT like the sudden change. Pizza may not even be free exchange worthy.

This morning I stepped on the scale... I am now 197. So I lost exactly 2 pounds this week. Now it isn't as much as I had hoped in the beginning but I will take every loss I can get. I'm hoping my body will get used to the exercise and figure out how to use it! I am also going to reduce my intake. I have realized that I haven't really been waiting to feel hunger to eat my meals. I need to wait for God's signal for when I am truly hungry.

Saturday night I had about a 30 minute intese workout at my friends house. Her basement was a million degrees so we sweated like crazy! It double as having a sauna! We took turns running one minute on the treadmill and then doing toning excercises in between. We repeated this about 7 times. It felt great after.

Sunday I didn't really exercise, but I did work which I guess is exercise. Man those people make you run around like a chicken with it's head cut off! I have been wearing my ankle weights to work everyday and now I'm so used to them I don't even feel them on anymore! I hope this means my legs are getting stronger!

Today my mom and I took the dog for about a 35 minute walk, and I did a lot of work outside. My task for this week is to fill in all the cracks in the stone sidewalk with gravel. It takes forever!

Today for breakfast I had 2 diet bread with peanut butter and jam with a yogurt. For a snack I had a low-fat low-cal granola bar. For lunch I made a salad with fat free meat, tomato, cheese and random veggies I found in the fridge. Dinner was a taco with the family on a 6" whole wheat weight watchers wrap. Snack was 1/2 cup low-fat frozen yogurt.

I hope to get more exercise tomorrow, I'm hoping it will be as nice as today was!

Well it is a small start but it's a start! Looking forward to a week of staying on track, eating less and exercising!


Anything is possible with God,
-Beth

DAY 4 - Is That What I Look Like?

Almost exactly one year ago I found myself on a stage in front of a huge audience about to perform a few songs with my "band". (Me and another girl, piano and a guy on guitar....not sure if that is called a band... more like a group??)I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. And yes it was my first time performing in front of a live audience and of course that is part of the reason I was nervous, but I was more nervous about the fact that I was extremely uncomfortable with the way I looked and being overweight, the way this made me feel. I stumbled upon the video of our performance today I thought I would watch it. I wasn't sure what to expect because the last time I had seen it all I remember was been so discusted with how huge I was beside my stick-skinny friend that I just threw it in the back of the drawer never to be viewed by another set of eyes. When I watched it today, again I was shocked. I remember the first time watching it thinking "Is that what I look like!?" I was ashamed. I have lived a lot of my life almost "forgetting" that I am heavy. But then I would see myself in a picture, or a video, especially beside all my skinny friends and I couldn't believe, I refused to believe that it was me. Watching this really made me realize that I never want to go back to that weight EVER again. I guess I need to keep these videos and pictures of when I was my heaviest to remind me how far I have come and will go, and what I never want to be again. I was so unhappy.

I remember walking down the hallways at school feeling like everyone was watching me, staring at the fat girl and laughing inside. I have to admit sometimes I still feel this way, but a lot less. I know I still have a long way to go, but how much my body has changed already since last year is amazing.

I have to admit that I am a bit worried to step on the scale on Monday morning. I feel like if I don't have a drop I have messed up or something. But I have heard that muscle weighs more than fat, and at the rate I have been exercising compared to in the past, I must be gaining some muscle this week! It is kind of like my little sister. She joined the rowing team in September and instantly began working out like crazy on the machines and running as well. After the first week she was terribly dissapointed when she stepped on the scale to find that she had gained about 4 pounds that week! She couldn't understand because she was sure she would loose weight from all the exercise, and it wasn't like she had increased her food intake or changed her eating habits. It must've been from all the muscle she was building. But the more muscle you have the faster it burns fat, so If by any chance the scale does show an increase this week, I am going to have to keep my head high and hope that this means for a bigger drop next week. I also think I need to start decreasing the amount of food I am eating. I realized that I haven't been drinking nearly enough water, and this is something that will fill me up, so I won't need to eat as much.

For breakfast this morning I had the same thing as yesterday - 2 slices of diet bread with 1tbsp of light peanut butter and low cal low sugar jam with a glass of skim milk. For a snack I had a banana muffin, which I now realize I probably shouldn't of eaten. I think I need to come up with a more solid plan so that I can really see what I should and shouldn't be eating. I don't want to deprive myself of all unhealthier foods, because thats dangerous binge area, but just something more solid so I atleast have something to follow. For lunch I had a chicken salad sandwich. This was just 2 diet bread with 4oz grilled chicken, tomato, mushrooms with 1tbsp salsa and 1tbsp fat free sour cream. For a snack I had a yogurt and a rice cake. Dinner was a salad with romaine lettuce, chicken, dried cranberries, onion, pear and cucumber. I did not eat at work today! Woo Hoo! :) I actually prepared my salad before hand and brought it to work with me because I realized that I was not yet hungry before work so when I felt hunger arrive while I was at work I took my break and ate it there.

While I was on my "magic pill" diet we had something called a "free exchange". This was a special treat food that you were able to eat at the end of the day to fix your craving for junk food etc. This could be anything 100 calories or less. I think I will choose one day a week to use up this free exchange because I think sometimes it is easier for me to go without it at all than a little bit.

Exercise-wise today was a bit different than the past few days. Because it was off and on rainy all day I started off the morning with one of my workout dance tapes, it is called Core Rhythms and is actually quite fun. It is supposed to target the stomach area which is great! It is about 40 minutes long. Then I went on the elliptical trainer for about 6 minutes... doesn't sound like much I know, but I am hoping I will be able to increase my time a little more each use. Even though it was only 6 minutes, man was I sweating! Later on in the afternoon I managed to squeeze in about a 25 minute walk with the dog, although I had to run most of the way home because it started to rain on me! I guess it wasn't really a bummer that I was forced to run though! :P

Tomorrow me and my workout buddy have plans to finish our 3rd session for our running program this week! I am excited to see how much easier it will feel than the first time! Lets hope the weather behaves!

Also I forgot to step on the scale this morning to "preview" my weight. I guess it will have to wait until the morning. I am afraid to look :S I think it is because I am still feeling guilt from overeating yesterday. Well whatever it says I am not going to give up. This is it for me! This time is going to be the final time I will have to loose weight!


I am going to have to chug, chug, chug that water!


Anything is possible with God,
- Beth

DAY 3 - Temptation Shows Itself (already!)

I have to admit that this morning I had to convince myself to get out of bed. You know those days when it is so hard to get up? Well I was having one of those, and I'm pretty sure it was from all the exercise the day before! At first I was feeling very drained (pretty much like I had been run over!) but after an hour or two, I was pretty much back to normal.

For breakfast this morning I basically had the same thing as yesterday, but instead of yogurt I had a glass of skim milk. I saved the yogurt for an after-breakfast snack. For lunch I followed the same meal plan as yesterday. For dinner I had planned to eat a salad - my favourite is with cashews a tinsy bit of light shredded cheese, pear and dried cranberries, DELICIOUS! I ate this before work. I leave for work at about 4. I work until about 7:30. This is the worst time when you are trying to work on a healthy eating schedule! It is pretty early for me to eat at 3:30, which I have been trying to do, because I hate the thought of eating at 8 or 8:30 in the night, especially when I want to go for a walk when I get home before dark! This makes it difficut because I sometimes get tempted to eat the food at work near the end of my shift.

I work as a dietary aid in a retirement home. Basically I serve them their meals (like a waitress), clean up, wash dishes, set tables and that sort of thing. The good thing about my job is that I am constantly on my feet and moving! When I started working at the retirement home I gained about 25 pounds because the leftover food is limitless! The employees have always been allowed to pick up a free meal or snack whenever they wanted. This was bad for me, because for some reason, to me when food is prepared away from home it always seems to taste better. Before I knew it I found myself gaining weight like crazy from all the fatty foods and snacks I had been indulging on at work. For my attempts to loose weight to work, I am going to simply have to come to the realization that i CANNOT eat at work. I am feeling terribly guilty because I already "cheated" today. Now I know I am not following a specific, strict diet, but I know that it was considered cheating because of all the guilt I felt after eating at work. It sounds like something weird to cheat with, but while I was working I had some liver and onions. I knew before eating this that I had technically already eaten my dinner, and I really regret it now, but in the moment it was there it was left-over and I have always loved the strange foods.

Now I know that I honestly cannot take any chances. The feeling I felt after I had eaten the extra, un-nessecary food was discusting. I know what that sudden urge was to eat when I had made this commitment to eat less, and only when I was truly hungry. It is quite crazy how quickly the devil tries to stray us, and I gave in! I am going to pray everyday for God to give me the strength I need to deny the devil the pleasure of seeing me so unhappy. I often forget that over-indulgence is a sin, and that is something I need to remember. It feels good to be so honest, because I knew this would be hard and I knew that I would have difficulties that I would need to overcome, I just didn't expect it to happen this fast. I also thought I was ready to face any temptations, but I guess this shows me that I really do need God's help. And I am completely ready to accept any that he will give me. I would love for all these temptations to magically dissapear, but I know that most likely won't be the case! :P Wouldn't that be a miracle!? But success takes effort, and I'm definetley going to learn it, even if it is the hard way. I also know that I am going to have to battle this my entire life, so it needs to be a complete lifestyle change. I am hoping that tomorrow I will learn to really study my feelings when I have the desire to overeat, and realize the true reason why I am craving this food when I am not really hungry. I think I have heart hunger that God is waiting to fill.

Even though I was in quite a bit of pain this morning, I still made my self go for a 35-40 minute run/walking intervals this morning. It was so hot, I wanted to jump in any pond I could find! I guess I will need to start going earlier if this beautiful weather will hold up. I also wore some 1 pound weights to work. My workout buddy recently gave these to me to try. I'm not quite sure how they help or what they help, but I knew they were doing something because when I took them off after work I felt like I was floating on air! After work I took the dog for about a 35-40 minute walk. I love walking in the evening, it is such a comfortable temperature, and a relaxing activity too!

Well I wasn't quite sure that I would be able to be completely honest about my cheating today. It is quite embarassing beacuse I am just starting and I already feel like I have failed! I hope this just teaches me a lesson early on, so hopefully I can avoid this in the future. I need to remember all the right reasons I am doing this.

Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments! :)
It is so helpful!


Hopefully tomorrow is as beautiful weather-wise as it was today!



Anything is possible with God,
- Beth

DAY 2 - It's A Beautiful Morning!

I have to say, today felt pretty great. I can't believe how much better I feel already! Just one day and I feel hope for the future. I know that in the beginning everything is brand new, and eventually things will get harder, but I feel like I am completely ready to take on any challenge that faces me. Oh and I know things will get tough, believe me I've been there before, but this time is different. It just is. I have this drive that I have never felt before... It has to be God, and he is going to help me along the entire way!

Today I was up much earlier than usual! I had been stuck in a state where I literally felt I had no reason to get out of bed. But this morning was different. When I awoke I felt better, energized, ready to start the day, and hungry! I can barely remember the last time I woke up hungry! It felt great.

For breakfast I had 2 slices of weight watchers bread with 1tbsp of light peanut butter and 1 tbsp of low-cal low-sugar jam. I also had a fat-free yogurt. (making breafast about 230 cal.) I have often heard it is better to eat a bigger breakfast with some sort of protein to get your body running so it will burn more calories throughout the day. I am hoping by doing this I am able to decrease my food intake as the day progresses. For a snack I had a grapefruit. Lunch was 2 diet bread and 2 poached eggs with 1 slice fat-free cheese and 1tbsp salsa. (around 280 cal) Mid-afternoon snack was a pear. For dinner I ate light tuna mixed with fat free mayo on top of romaine lettuce, with some cucumber on the side. Compared to my old days all that I ate today was like one meal for me! And there were probably more than 3 meals a day! :S

Today's excercise was so much easier than previously because I felt so re-energized! In the morning my mom and I took the dog for about a 45 minute walk. I just love this time of year when the scenery out here in the countryside is beautiful! :) I am definetley a sun-bunny. Then after work (I end at 7ish) I went to a friends house and we worked out together. She is also trying to loose some weight and get in shape so we figured we could do it together! It is so much easier and more fun having a buddy to share the experience with! We have started a running "program" where you follow a schedule of running/walking intervals that gradually increases speed, distance and time over a 13 week period. By the end of the 13 weeks you are supposed to be able to run 5 - 10k! We are very excited about this and we have completed 2 sessions already. There are 3 sessions a week. This week we are running for 30 seconds, walking for 4.5 minutes, running for 30 seconds, walking for 4,5 minutes, and this is repeated 8 times. It isn't a lot of running to start off, but it gradually works you up to it, which is what I like. The next week sessions will be longer as the running periods in between walking increase. This is something that I am looking forward to!

After our run/walk we went back to her house and did some toning exercises. It was painful, but man do you feel great after! I love having felt a sense of accomplishment.

I have decided that my weigh-in day will be on Mondays, since that is the day of the week I took my starting weight on. It only makes sense. I plan to choose a day to "preview" my weight which will give me a peek at whether or not I need to work harder. (Plus when you are new to this and excited, you want to see the change right away! :P)

I hope tomorrow I will be just as sucessful, given I don't feel like I've been hit by a truck having done all this exercise suddenly!

Already looking forward to the future!




Anything is possible with God,
-Beth

DAY 1 - A Whole New Thinking

First off, I am creating this blog for myself. I am doing it to help me through my weight-loss journey. It is a way of keeping me on track and motivated. I plan to write every day as a way of holding myself accountable to my commitment to loose weight, and to keep it off for good.

Now, you are going to have to put up with me, because I am very new to this whole blogging thing, and I am by no stretch a writer, so be warned!

Okay for starters I will tell you a bit about how I came to the point I am at. I have pretty much been overweight my entire life. It started when I was just young, but as the years progressed I became a very emotional eater. I literally ate my emotions. Especially if I was upset, stressed or bored, I would eat. As a child I was never really involved in many sports other than swimming but that didn't end up lasting due to the overbearing self-conciousness I felt due to my weight. This only made things worse while I was eating so much. All through public school I struggled with over-eating and lack of exercise. Whenever teams were picked in gym class, I was always chosen last, and only by default. Then I would be hurt, go home and eat until I felt a little better. It turned into a vicious cycle.

Then when going into highschool I didn't know what to expect. After experiencing some name-calling and harrasment from an older boy I finally decided I had to do something. During highschool I had lost about 20-25 pounds more then once, but each time, something little would happen and I would gain it all back, and more. This something little was as simple as a container of oreos sitting on the table, or a left-over chocolate bar in the fridge. My state of thinking was: "Well I have lost 20 pounds already, one chocolate bar won't hurt..." this would turn into massive food binges, and then feelings of guilt. And what would happen when I'm feeling guilt? I would become extremely upset, and therefore eat to feel better. So the problem was never solved.

This past June 2009 I graduated highschool at 215 pounds. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be accepting my diploma looking that way. All throughout highschool I told my self that by grade 12 graduation I would be THIN. But the will-power was always set aside for one more day, or I was constantly thinking, I have lots of time, and before I knew it there I was. Feeling self-concious, exposed and embarassed.

After high-school I went the whole summer and only gained weight. In November 2009 I had reached the heaviest point in my entire life. I was 225 pounds. It had crept up on me so fast, I hadn't really realized how unhealthy I looked, felt and was. It came to me one evening while I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I suddenly realized: "These contestants are beginning to weigh less than me!" That is when I knew I was done living the way I had been for the past 10 years.

That is when at the age of 18 I decided to join a weight loss program. Of course I chose the most expensive one you could find with those "magic" pills that are supposed to help you get there that much faster. Well in the beginning I was feeling so inspired and I ended up loosing about 32 pounds, which means I was at 193. I thought I was on top of the world, but then one day came when I decided I could cheat on my diet, just a little and everything would be ok. And there I went again into that downward spiral of overeating and then starving myself the next day hoping it wouldn't show on the scales. Well turns out my body seemed to be packing on everything I had been eating and I gained about 6 pounds back.

I am now 199 and have been hovering there with slight ups and downs since January. I had hit a wall and I didn't know where to go next. Also because of the cost of the diet program being so expensive and myself basically working just to pay for the extremely expensive pills I began to feel very down. This only made things worse because I began to turn to food again as a way of comfort to the situation. I was truly stuck.

Just recently I came to a blog of a very good friend, who is on a weight loss journey of her own. She has lost almost 80 pounds in less than a year! She has been blogging her progress every night and she has been so successful. She has inspired me so much. I though: "I can do that too!" I think reading her blog has been an answer to my prayers. God has shown me a way that I can do this on my own! No pills, no extreme food restrictions, no starving myself. Just will-power and EFFORT. So today I quit my diet program, and I am heading towards success full throttle! And in the words of my very good friend who has inspired me, I will be eating less and moving more!

So that is how I got to where I am at this very moment. And this is my plan:

My plan is to eat healthy, and only enough to stop hunger. I plan to exercise at least once a day in the beginning and hopefully increasing my distances, speeds, and challenge as I become closer to my goal. I want to loose my craving to eat for no reason at all. I want to have a completely new lifestyle, one that makes me healthier, happier and one that I will be able to live for the rest of my life! (Oh yes, and 8 glasses of water a day ought to help!)

There is something I have realized these past few years throughout this battle with my weight....

SUCCESS TAKES EFFORT!

And I intend to prove it, as painful, sweaty, and impossible as it may seem.

So here are the details for Day 1:

Start Weight: 225 lbs.

Current Weight: 199 lbs.

Weight Loss To Date: 26 lbs.

Goal Weight: 140 lbs.

Goal Date: By September 30th 2010.

Weight Left To Loose: 59 lbs.

I plan to post pictures of myself every 10 - 15 pounds.

Anything is possible with God!

I'm making an effort!

- Beth