DAY 4 - Is That What I Look Like?

Almost exactly one year ago I found myself on a stage in front of a huge audience about to perform a few songs with my "band". (Me and another girl, piano and a guy on guitar....not sure if that is called a band... more like a group??)I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. And yes it was my first time performing in front of a live audience and of course that is part of the reason I was nervous, but I was more nervous about the fact that I was extremely uncomfortable with the way I looked and being overweight, the way this made me feel. I stumbled upon the video of our performance today I thought I would watch it. I wasn't sure what to expect because the last time I had seen it all I remember was been so discusted with how huge I was beside my stick-skinny friend that I just threw it in the back of the drawer never to be viewed by another set of eyes. When I watched it today, again I was shocked. I remember the first time watching it thinking "Is that what I look like!?" I was ashamed. I have lived a lot of my life almost "forgetting" that I am heavy. But then I would see myself in a picture, or a video, especially beside all my skinny friends and I couldn't believe, I refused to believe that it was me. Watching this really made me realize that I never want to go back to that weight EVER again. I guess I need to keep these videos and pictures of when I was my heaviest to remind me how far I have come and will go, and what I never want to be again. I was so unhappy.

I remember walking down the hallways at school feeling like everyone was watching me, staring at the fat girl and laughing inside. I have to admit sometimes I still feel this way, but a lot less. I know I still have a long way to go, but how much my body has changed already since last year is amazing.

I have to admit that I am a bit worried to step on the scale on Monday morning. I feel like if I don't have a drop I have messed up or something. But I have heard that muscle weighs more than fat, and at the rate I have been exercising compared to in the past, I must be gaining some muscle this week! It is kind of like my little sister. She joined the rowing team in September and instantly began working out like crazy on the machines and running as well. After the first week she was terribly dissapointed when she stepped on the scale to find that she had gained about 4 pounds that week! She couldn't understand because she was sure she would loose weight from all the exercise, and it wasn't like she had increased her food intake or changed her eating habits. It must've been from all the muscle she was building. But the more muscle you have the faster it burns fat, so If by any chance the scale does show an increase this week, I am going to have to keep my head high and hope that this means for a bigger drop next week. I also think I need to start decreasing the amount of food I am eating. I realized that I haven't been drinking nearly enough water, and this is something that will fill me up, so I won't need to eat as much.

For breakfast this morning I had the same thing as yesterday - 2 slices of diet bread with 1tbsp of light peanut butter and low cal low sugar jam with a glass of skim milk. For a snack I had a banana muffin, which I now realize I probably shouldn't of eaten. I think I need to come up with a more solid plan so that I can really see what I should and shouldn't be eating. I don't want to deprive myself of all unhealthier foods, because thats dangerous binge area, but just something more solid so I atleast have something to follow. For lunch I had a chicken salad sandwich. This was just 2 diet bread with 4oz grilled chicken, tomato, mushrooms with 1tbsp salsa and 1tbsp fat free sour cream. For a snack I had a yogurt and a rice cake. Dinner was a salad with romaine lettuce, chicken, dried cranberries, onion, pear and cucumber. I did not eat at work today! Woo Hoo! :) I actually prepared my salad before hand and brought it to work with me because I realized that I was not yet hungry before work so when I felt hunger arrive while I was at work I took my break and ate it there.

While I was on my "magic pill" diet we had something called a "free exchange". This was a special treat food that you were able to eat at the end of the day to fix your craving for junk food etc. This could be anything 100 calories or less. I think I will choose one day a week to use up this free exchange because I think sometimes it is easier for me to go without it at all than a little bit.

Exercise-wise today was a bit different than the past few days. Because it was off and on rainy all day I started off the morning with one of my workout dance tapes, it is called Core Rhythms and is actually quite fun. It is supposed to target the stomach area which is great! It is about 40 minutes long. Then I went on the elliptical trainer for about 6 minutes... doesn't sound like much I know, but I am hoping I will be able to increase my time a little more each use. Even though it was only 6 minutes, man was I sweating! Later on in the afternoon I managed to squeeze in about a 25 minute walk with the dog, although I had to run most of the way home because it started to rain on me! I guess it wasn't really a bummer that I was forced to run though! :P

Tomorrow me and my workout buddy have plans to finish our 3rd session for our running program this week! I am excited to see how much easier it will feel than the first time! Lets hope the weather behaves!

Also I forgot to step on the scale this morning to "preview" my weight. I guess it will have to wait until the morning. I am afraid to look :S I think it is because I am still feeling guilt from overeating yesterday. Well whatever it says I am not going to give up. This is it for me! This time is going to be the final time I will have to loose weight!


I am going to have to chug, chug, chug that water!


Anything is possible with God,
- Beth